I'm pants shitting drunk right now
She made me repeat after her: "I take responsibility for what I put in my own mouth."
I am watching the symphony and have decided that violin players probably give really good hand jobs.
I just put up a picture on my dorm room wall of that ginger you hooked up with to remind myself that everyone makes mistakes
he was definitely TRYING to give me herpes.
$150 bar tab covered by these tits. That's now the going rate. Keeping my bra on during sex unless i see the Benjamins.
you're going to have to hot glue me into my dress tonight. there's no way out.
I'm concerned I'll look like a hooker on new years eve in this outfit
There are different standards on new years eve. To look like a hooker you literally need to be giving a guy head on the street while he's handing you cash.
Also while I am being the bigger person I plan on bringing over something strong smelling and/or alcoholic to torture the poor hungover bastard
So is there some kind of punch card you and I get to use every time we fuck a chick with a cast?
Fuck you come back. The old guy next to me is complementing me on my great choice of ring fingers,
I drank half a bottle of wine while watching the Olympics opening ceremonies. I catcalled at handsome athletes. Stop me.
Jill you already won the game by finding a dude who will fuck you in flamingo knee socks. Theres no hope for the rest of us
Said he wanted to wear me as a loincloth. Not sure if sexual or predatory
I just woke up to my family in the living room watching our security camera tape of me last night talking to a stop sign in our backyard... How the fuck did I get that in the yard?
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