I think I left something in your back seat.... It was my integrity
DUDE DUDE I JUST GOT TH E BEST IDEA FOR A CHILDRENS BOOK "If You Give A Girl A Blow Job"
Ok, so for future reference, in Rome, "piano bar" means "brothel".
You seemed more interested in the queso dip than you were in the hand job
theres still like 7 beers in the gutter from the roof party we had last night. i dont know how we got up there. but we need to get those beers down.
He googled the address of the bar, then sent me a text saying "6.3 miles. Too far. :( Apparently I am only worth a 5 mile radius.
I don't know what you're talking about. I just drank beer out of my own bellybutton by doing a backbend and letting it run down my body.
how many lesbians have to have their hearts broken before they realise I am not that kind of DJ
June 16th my calendar just says boobietassels....I can only assume that has to do with you
So this is what you do on your hungover days off put your balls into an egg carton?
found a better reason to procrastinate than the usual sunday-don't-give-no-fucks. literally every one of my textbooks is soaked in captain. can't turn a page without gagging.
Can you check on Mike in the bathroom. It's been like 20 min.
He's fine. He's just standing at the trash can in line for another beer from the keg. Nbd.
How bad would it be if I asked him for my "ho ho ho" thong back? They're my fav christmas pair!
I swear to god if you keep eating my cats food drunk I am going to kick you out of our apartment.
where the fuck are you? she just tazed two people and we're tripping shrooms...successful first night in new apartment!
Randomize
