So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
Just seen on a tshirt : "fake titties taste funny"
you kept running across the street. everytime you made it across successfully you took something off. can't believe there were no cops around...
oh thats it?
He's prob getting laid right now and I'm sitting alone in my duct tape shoes.
Just threw up in my seat during the national anthem. Probably not good.
just drunkenly made mashed potatoes at midnight. what have you done for your calorie intake lately?
at the hospital. he locked himself in the kitchen, said he was making beer batter shrimp. don't know if it's the mercury poisoning, alcohol poisoning or second degree burns they're holding him for, but i've got a pretty guess.
we went 3 years between hookups and she got a lot better. Amanda's moving way up the booty call pecking order.
I don't feel bad about fucking old guys. That's what I want. It's what I likeeeeee.
I'm imagining a seal in an ugly shirt hahahahaha Percocet
Is it bad juju to glue mini budda to the bottom of a shot glass
i was the only bi girl at the frat party. i felt like the last cresent roll at thanksgiving
I have poison ivy and a broken finger. Don't have a threesome in the woods.
i gotta stop hooking up with people just to get to their dogs
The party pretty much ended once she shit on the couch
Randomize
