Sex on a trampoline was so worth getting a mosquito bite on my penis
No one actually likes Tequila. They just accept it as a fact of life. Like hpv.
He could tell i had a fever by feeling my tits. He gets docter of the year.
I HAVE stop dating guys for their prescriptions, you have no idea how awkward family dinner was. Thank god for his xanax.
Guess what happened to me today at work?
I have chlamydia. What happened.
Oh lets talk about your news first. Mine is happy so it should go second.
How do I tell my Dad that in the picture he has of me and my brother as the background of his phone we were both rolling face on ecstasy?
She said "oh yeah" like Hulk Hogan with the muscle flex and everything. Totally digging this chick
Just tell your mom you have to go somewhere half naked with a strange man. She'll understand
He told me he wanted to sober fuck the shit outa me... I took that as a compliment
You don't know commitment until you try and waterproof a non-waterproof vibrator
I know that we've never been that tight but I want you to meet my cat before I move.
drunk in woodshop so don't even say "I SAWWW THIS COMING." I know you're thinking it.
I stared at him for a solid five minutes because he looked like what I imagine god would look like if god was a lumberjack
Tbh I fell asleep cuddling a bag of Brazilian nuts. Franzia never dissappoints me
My boyfriend just called me on his poop break from work.... Is that what you meant by moving too fast?
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