I swear I am going to pee, wipe my vag with my hand, and then slap you in the face with it.
im returning my roomates shirt with a "i got laid in this" thank you note
i just heard a guy call his kid "Google" in a way that leads me to believe that's his name. this day couldn't get worse.
I'm sitting the next couple hours out. Puking in a potted plant really put shit into perspective for me.
We stole a cat. That is all you need to know.
Get everyone into the kitchen. I need you all to witness me friend-zoning him. Just in case.
He was using OnStar to get directions to the bar. I'm pretty sure he'd have gotten her number too if I hadn't disconnected the call.
370HSSV 0773H read that upside down
what are you doing with your life
I can get there in 20, one question, Drress Code? Stripper Lite (make up may require an additional 5-10 minutes), Suggestive Professor (professor Kamil's cleavage ain't got nothing on me), Daywear, Dyke (and trust me you ain't seen dyke), or Exactly What I'm Wearing Right Now. (all of the above may arrive under a coat and are subject to my level of sobriety. Which is currently like nonexistent).--xoxo you know you love me, Gossip Girl.
So I spent all night thinking my bed was floating down a river and telling the cats to get on the bed because they were going to float away. Percocet is strong shit.
Nothing kills the mood quicker than kneeing him in the face during sex
I can't tell if this is a hangover or just a perfect combination of shame and regret
After my shift today I'm going on a bender. Not saying this so you'll stop me, just a heads up to invest in Tylenol, Gatorade, and Jack
Remember, I smoked so you wouldn't have to. I'm like the Jesus of Marijuana.
Fuck. I did it again. I plugged in my toaster and walked away thinking it needed to preheat. I am dumb.
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