I just woke up surrounded in unopened snacks
i was so high i thought his mole came off and was flying around
you're like the Neil Armstrong of terrible hookups, you are a pioneer
you know you made some mistakes when your last two boyfriends are both obsessed with women's curling...
We got really high and decided it would be a good idea to wash towels in the dishwasher. I left before I could see the final result.
Also, we just got yelled at by a cop for being awesome...or making out in a fountain. Whatever.
This is why i like single justin better. my only regret is not being present for more of his short life. may he rest in peace
I am sitting here. Drinking from a bottle of vodka. Eating shredded cheese from a bag and waiting on him to pick me up after he finishes with his girlfriend. This is what dreams are made of.
i ate a whole tub of butter with my hands last night. don't tell me about rock bottom
He walked in at 7am saying that the police had his shoes and phone because he's being investigated for attempted auto theft.
I woke up the other day with my Google browser open to "DIY lip injections"... I also just received a vial of hyaluronic acid and a package of TB syringes from amazon. I'm down.
I will have no part of this.
When you leave ur sleepover boy on ur front porch waiting for a cab bc work
I'm on my third roll of toilet paper. Today can fuck right off.
I just asked my mom if I could be the drunk realitive at the reunion. She said as long as I'm not obvious.
When I woke up I was spooning with a block of cheese. Like, cuddling. Me and the cheese we nestling...
Randomize
