Once again you get dinner and all I get is semen on my leg
i was so high last night while i was driving i felt like i was riding a bike with no pedals
I just watched a girl at work pick her nose with 4 of her 5 fingers. So I now know what sausage biscuits taste like in vomit form.
I feel kinda awkward using the Sesame Street themed Google to search for hot young pussy...
She thinks she's a fairy, dude. A real fucking fairy with wings and shit.
she got kicked out of the bar for shoving german chocolate cake in the bartenders face. we were there less than a minute
My judgement was not "clouded". My judgement was in the midst of a fucking hurricane or something ridiculous.
I am sitting here. Drinking from a bottle of vodka. Eating shredded cheese from a bag and waiting on him to pick me up after he finishes with his girlfriend. This is what dreams are made of.
Note to self: Don't go home with a recent divorcee. Semen and tears.
What do you mean you don't want me to steal the manikin do you have any idea how expensive inflatable dolls are I can't get that for your birthday
We got banned from that Whataburger for life. WHATABURGER. Which is saying something. They deal with drunk dumbasses every night.
Tequila happens.
So it's official the pockets of my work apron exist solely for the purpose of secretly flipping off asshole customers and not losing my job.
Also, for real, though? Did we even have sex or were we just jumping on the bed drunk and naked...because with me that's actually a possibility.
Just to let you know we went to the circus yesterday...in case you didn't remember
It took me twenty minutes to read that sentence.
All I said was okay...
Randomize
