So for his birthday I'm planning on doing what stripper did when she put the matches on her nipples..lights them n makes him blow them out..SEE I AM dating material.
i threw up in over 4 different places last night. it was like a world tour
what about "I will fuck you for a jamba juice" do you not understand?
Oh my god. Oh my god. Oh my god. I drunk emailed a professor on friday. Oh my god. Oh my god.
I can't be drunk. Sober yes. Drunk no. Spoonfuls
I've created a drink called, "watching the sound of music with grandma." its straight vodka
bitch got booty called while we were making out. and then she actually left.
He sent a pic, I sent one back. Then nothing. It's like we sext-messaged goodbye and ended the relationship.
Tinkerbell just flew up to me and tickled my balls. What the fuck did we smoke?
I think mom knows I'm drunk I put a full blown balloon in the fridge.
How do you say "get out of my apartment" in Spanish. No time to explain, just tell me.
Found out it was only pneumonia. We celebrated hydrocodone cough syrup. Two long island ice teas at lunch and the random white powder we found in her purse. Mother of the year award.
okcupid is pretty much insisting i hook up with this chick who looks like andy milonakis.
I had to get my boss birth control a work today. I knew going to ASU would come in handy in my career someday.
You were painting for six hours and managed one four foot wall. "The Mellow Handyman" isn't a good business model.
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