Currently standing on top of my parents leather couch with no pants on playing helicoptor with my penis. You?
i love how he claims to not know english but when i ask him to come over and fuck me he's all of a sudden fluent
Remind me to tell you the "if you give a mouse a special brownie" story when you get back
So there's dick imprints in the peanut butter
and then some norwegians asked us to be in their porno.
Protocol on turning down a date from someone in the House of Representatives?
After blacking out and loosing my phone for a month, I found it in the parking lot across the street. Last text "rager in the street". I remember none of this.
she stopped traffic so I could crutch across the street. Clubbing while crippled and drunk is different.
Boobs speak an international language.
Well I found out I was essentially dumped and replaced by a hipster and apparently offered a girl $95 to go out with me. In the spirit of the Olympics I will not be spending any time on the medal stand.
Who spent today in nothing but a vajazzle and candy thong? SORRY NOT SORRY
Just saw our highschool guidance counselor at the bar and he's taken six shots in the last hour. Those teenagers have fucking hardened him.
All I've consumed in the last 24 hours is cranberry vodka and kosher for passover biscotti
That's what happens when you party with the tribe
woke up on my floor using my jeans i wore out as a pillow
haha i wouldn't expect any less of you
I woke up wearing nothing but my red thigh high socks and a blue wig. I have no idea what happened.
Randomize
