Also, I'm sitting at a crosswalk watching two Mexican gangs fight each other. I miss you too. A lot.
are you so shy because you have an std?
I could give you a full detailed description of 75% of the penises in that room
Yeah apparently i got lonely because everyone was hooking up so i took matters into my own hands. I woke up on the floor spooning a vaccuum cleaner, a mop, 40 paper cups, and industrial grade detergent.
i gave you head in a backbend. if that doesnt say happy birthday i dont know what does.
you smelled like vodka, i think that's why my grandma liked you
The puppy is a lightweight. 3 beers and he's passed out on the floor already. I repeat, the puppy is a lightweight.
I legitimately had a champagne shower last night at a rave. I was also carrying around two bananas in my pockets like guns. Drunk doesn't even. Begin to explain My night.
I remember it because it was right after the sadness and right before the sluttiness. The calm before the storm if you will
All I vaguely remember from last night is getting up on that nice mahogany table and debating about squirrel's rights
I'm running on two hours of sleep, a shot of vodka, and half of a granola bar. I can't be held responsible for what I do.
He told me I was a good dog mom. I've never been so turned on in my life
I've had more orgasms than showers this week.
K. The dog and I are outside. The Uber driver said "I hope he fucks the shit out of you"
He’s disease free and drives a Porsche. What else does a girl need?
Randomize
