I'm putting on too much make up bc I'm stoned
there is laundry and salad ALL OVER my car, i need context
You disinfected one of his friends, buttered the jeans of the other one. And you poured every liquid you could reach on the floor, including cooking oil and green tea. It wasnt a great first impression
I wanna thank you for having such slutty friends growing up. Your a great little sister
It's like....nice talking about real estate but your son gave me herpes
I'm just saying, margarita tuesday would turn anyone gay.
Is it acceptable I'm laying in bed drinking airplane bottles?
In our world? Yes, but I'm disappointed yoiu are wasting airplane bottles. Save them for sneaky occasions
My car windows are covered in lube. Happy 4th of July!
i wore just an American flag as my costume-huge success. 20 people pledged allegiance to my ass including a senior frat boy at the keg. God bless America.
I DID MY EXPERIMENTING. FOUR YEARS OF IT. IN HIGH SCHOOL.
I can't go to the bars anymore. She wanted to see me again and I drunkenly told her I was moving today. If she spots me I'm fucked.
I had cheese pancakes which is pretty much just melting cheese in a frying pan and then eating it except youre in denial that your life is a wreck
I was so high I just stared at the papa john's app on my phone and cried
I love millennial parents. One of the moms at the daycare center literally told me she and her husband named two of her kids after batman characters and one after game of thrones
the coup got in the way of sex but inauguration day came thru we did it joe
Randomize
