I woke up this morning under my fitted sheet and my legs through the sleeves of my sweater.
we found him in the shower with a bottle of jose saying "this is Mexico's fault"
I keep forgetting that I only have two nostrils.
You're just mad at the fact that I want to be a car alarm.
I walked in and saw him spread eagle on the couch beatin it, while he just pet the dog that sat there and stared. mom was pissed
It's just unfortunate. She's a 28 year old woman who looks as if a pelican and ET had a baby. With braces.
Sorry was covered in semen when you texted me. Just walking back from the Harvard Club
All you needed to say was one of those sentences and the other would've been implied.
I'm gonna eat more dunkaroos to cope with what's in my vagina.
Can you send me the pic of me puking with a quesadilla on my shoulder
The cop said he like my hair today. Please explain all other interactions with law enforcement, k thanks
JEREMY RENNER GOT DIVORCED. I STILL HAVE A CHANCE.
a guy just skateboarded past my window in a bunny suit while chased by a dog walker
Grrr. Fine. You get oral for being unwrong.
I crawled to the bathroom this morning there were cornpops scattered on the floor? What was I doing last night?
She was going down on me before I had a chance to tell her I arrested her brother 3 hours earlier
Randomize
