Coffee flavored vodka sounded like such a good idea at the time. Now i never want to drink coffee again.
Guess who got arrested for public drunkiness, and called jimmy johns for the entire station last night instead of someone to bail me out? The cop that arrested me drove me home. Win.
Was I wearing clothes when I handed you your keys. Please tell me I was wearing clothes.
He said he wanted to have butt sex with me and curl up with me after and just be near me. Then he passed out.
don't trust your eyes. just sniff them. if they smell like axe, they are broke, move on to the next.
I would rather burn my vagina off with a damn flame thrower before I would touch anything that has touched her skank ass.
well I woke up with about $3 in odd change and a note that said "I'm borrowing your weed." So, no, it didn't go to well.
shes wearing an ankle tracker so she should be easy to find
I hope one day I make out with someone in a taco truck :(
I'm glad I inspire you to reach for the stars
Or a taco
Any residual attraction has just been ruthlessly murdered by that mustache.
Home-made laxative recipe: activia yogurt and tequila shots. Any ratio ought to work.
Fuck you fireball...just straight up fuck out of here
We were taking body shots by lunch. I love college.
Dude, we got to the strip club as they were closing, and you starting crying because, and I quote, "This is the closest to birthday sex I'm gonna get."
Did you come home, throw out a ton of shoes, then leave again?
That is exactly what I did.
Randomize
