don't bother texting me at 10. my pants WILL be off and I'm not putting them back on to come see you.
Tell your boobs to stop staring at me.
Following a car with a GPS. We don't know where he's going, but he probably has a better idea of where we're going than we do. Also, very high.
maybe it wasnt such a good idea to pregame our lease signing...
She just took the bottle of jager to the bathroom and locked the door. Now I hear the water running..if the house floods she's paying for it
Someone was asleep on the couch next to us and woke up. We paused and he yelled "gentlemen, behold! Sex!"
That was nice of you. Thank you for respecting the fact that I got cockblocked by a sophomore last night.
my life is about to be the like the hunger games except with penises. and im going to win.
But the guy you're fucking should not be within ten pounds of your weight when you're five fucking feet tall and he's 6'2". That's all I'm saying.
our jesse-walt dynamic is actualy really perfect because i want to start a small time drug empire and you want to get high a lot its very accurate
She told me she loved my new hairstyle. I told her its called head head.
Everyone says she blew me in the bathroom, so I believe it, I just don't REMEMBER.
Did you hear about the guy wearing a spiderman mask running around naked with a bottle of patron?
Yeah.
I was spiderman.
Just saw a commercial for non alcoholic baileys cream. WHAT THE HELL IS THE POINT?!
i buy too many watermelons when I'm drunk
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