I'm playing musical beds - it's not very fun
just saw bouncers outside a coffee shop. beginning to question humanity.
Any time before 12:00pm. Can go fuck itself.
Stop selling my mother weed! She's annoying as hell when she's stoned.
I think I need to stop sleeping with him. Sex with him is just a reminder of the mediocrity of the rest of my life.
im swimming of confusion and bacardi. where do i go from herrrrrre
If I can't pick up a cat lady, I probably need to turn to Internet dating.
He broke the bed, AND shit in the closet. What a way to lose his virginity. What a night.
Last night all you did was whine about how you needed something new and exciting
Is THAT why I woke up with dreadlocks?
YOU GAVE HIM A BLOWJOB ON YOUR DOORSTEP?!
Went to work in the same clothes from last night, completely covered in glitter...I didn't choose the hag life, the hag life chose me
Hey, it's not my fault that you had a shitty bed frame that couldn't handle the rough sex you're into.
I dropped her off at home and her fiancé was shitty, it was 4:30 am. I told him I was the Uber driver
I will buy you batman underwear babe. I'll make sure you wear them every time we have to adult.
One of my favorite March activities is cropdusting people while wearing a kilt.
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