I just googled "whats above a trillion", thats how busy I am at work.
im trying to catch a child molester. call you later.
Okay I woke up in my room, snuggie on, had a water bottle in my hand my tv was on Disney channel and my cigarettes are gone. And I deleted every text in my phone but one that said 'you are absolutely welcome'
She kept saying the tortilla understood her. I honestly don't know where she found a tortilla at the pool.
and ive been naked for the greater part of the evening. alone, drunk, and naked. i think that is how all great interventions start.
Right now Tom has the 2nd floor office bathroom under siege. He shit/clogged one toilet, and he's throwing up in the sink.
Just came to the realization that what I thought were orgasms were just lightheadedness from hyperventilation. My entire sex life is a lie.
I'm supposed to nail the old lady at 1:30 so I'll see you at 1:35ish.
Someone somewhere has a picture of me vomiting in a bus stop trash can while a drag queen held my hair for me.
Pride claims another victim
Apparently I told him he would be good for human sacrifice.
you got into a really intense arguement about protecting bees. it was wierdly arousing.
He ate me out while I finished season 1 of Stranger Things. If that's not a modern day relationship goal, then I don't know what is.
Hey remind me the get the pancakes out of my jacket
You texted him 17 times. Asking for him back and sending random pictures of Jimmy Buffett. He didn't answer.
You peed in the sink and kept shouting "I'm the black swan! Ca-caw!"
Randomize
