I went to blockbuster, where I always go when I need to soul searching
Despondent, hopeless, I decide on vantage point, because I vaguely resemble matthew fox (let me believe this, please)
It was cheaper to buy then rent, so now I'm stuck w/ a wretched hangover and I own this shit movie
Just got my rental car in Iowa...gas is under 2 dollars in des moines...this is not a real state
So for two years my friend Mark has been building a catapult in his basement. Yesterday he realized it's too big to get it out.
You need to give me a reason immediately why he is your friend.
just heard a swedish guy suck in helium and speak in his accent. top 5 favorite moments. ever.
between my moustache and how drunk I am it will be a miracle if I get laid tonight.
Drunk roommate walked in on us and asked if we wanted to go eat a sandwich with her in the bathroom.
I just had a flashback of 4:30am: me hugging the toilet bowl and you handing me a jar of pickles to open. There is something seriously wrong with us.
there are chunks of pepperoni under the sheets. can you be here in 10? breakfast in bed?
Okay, we really need to start training for the St Pattys parade. 48 hours of green beer won't end well if we don't prep ourselves. 2 week bender starts now
the repo guy said it was the first time he'd ever started to repo a car with someone fucking inside of it. he might have said 'doing it' instead.
Dude, you chugged an entire bottle of tomato sauce and got us free drinks for the night. No way was I gonna stop you.
I think I just wrote a poem about your penis but it was totally unintentional.
Then mom squeezed my boob and said, "Dad would go nuts if I had these..."
Its alot like that time you got motorboated by the carni at the rodeo.
He's hitting it raw. Might as well stick his dick in a vat of SARS at this point.
Randomize
