it was like my fingers were behind enemy lines
I seriously fake cumming more than i poop.
sometimes i think i'm bisexual but then i realize the only girl i'm attracted to is myself.
we had you propped up in a chair and fed you donuts. i've never seen you happier
I think it's safe to say me, swords and vodka can never be aloud in the same room again.
No, but its not like diarrhea. i swear its like my intestines had a secret bank account and i just punched in the right pin.
I'm in Burlington Coat Factory. This place'd be great if you were on E. There're so many textures...
I'm kinda hoping that if I rub the right object, a genie will come out
The only thing worse than being hungover is being hungover and not able to open your mouth wide enough to eat a cheeseburger
He stopped mid-sex to read the subtitles on a Korean movie we had playing in the background.
I had a dream about a vibrator with 42 different settings. If that's not a good indication I need to get laid, I don't know what is
Yeah..I guess you know your hair looks like shit when TSA asks to inspect it
IM NOT TALKING TO YOU UNTIL YOU MAKE A PROCLAMATION YOU LOVE ME MORE THAN TACOS
She unfriended me on Facebook after I responded to her long love note with #demtittesdoe. Jager is the goddamned devil.
My husband just came over to kiss me and said, "careful, I got a block of cream cheese in my pocket"
Can I make sure all my sluttiness goes to you when I die? You're the only person I know who'll make use of it
Randomize
