I just want to make him a cookie cake that says "you have no chance with me."
Never forget that any girl can get her way if she puts her vagina on the table.
Dude you make losing your phone an art. You left it balancing on a two liter bottle in the kitchen. Wtf
i will be blacked out in the shower. come get me. 20 mins.
He just found another high guy at wal-mart. There now friends. His friend is eating a cupcake
I just peed behind the dumpster and dedicated it to you. Can i call u?
I really am. The stoner chick wants to get a python.
What wine did you feed Jack? Might not want to waste the good stuff on kitties. Kitties only get box wine.
Get up, biotch, before I come traipsing in there to rip apart whatever god-forsaken spoon you have going on between the two of you and your dog.
I only remember singing the Captain Planet theme song on our way to the bars.
You know you can't live off of vodka and pizza rolls forever
I'VE ALREADY MADE MY CHOICE
You HAVE to stop telling me about the shit you do drunk. I can't be both your brother AND your gay friend.
I'm graduating college in 4 days. I already miss the bad decisions
I had one beer! ONE BEER! They took shots in mourning of my tolerance last night. My ability to drink is a joke.
I woke up this morning to pee and six dollar bills fell out of my underwear. I guess that lap dance just bought me lunch.
Randomize
