I have no memory of puking on someone. Was he cute?
You were rubbing your foot on one of your legs and kept saying, "My sock feels like a waterslide!"
vaguely remember the bartender stopping me outside last night so he could pull the duct tape out of my hair
this is not real life
it never is. after midnight never counts.
Yeah, clearly. And then we can float around my room on Christmas themed inner tubes. And drink, I guess.
Well, I made it thru a doorway, so I think things are going good.
I'm already too high to be publicly presentable. I just looked at myself in the mirror without my sunglasses. Debated contacts. Said aloud "But I'm nothing without my sunglasses."
Just discovered evidence of drunken eBay bid. Drunk Mike did pretty good -- I'm getting a new sleeping bag.
I have a cat for love and a booty call for sex. What else could I need?
I'm now using my vagina for good, not evil. Trying to restore balance to the force.
He's finally divorcing her, so naturally he tells me that we're not exclusive anymore. His penis 'wants what it wants' apparently.
If a weird guy texts you in the near future asking if you are satan just go with it
jump out the window naked night went bad
I'm hung over and my mom made me go to church. I feel like such a sinner.
I need an aspirin and some dignity.
Someone should walk up to them and say, "We're sorry, you're too hot to be out here with the other humans."
Randomize
