i just turned barefoot contessa into a drinking game. everytime she uses a knife butter or salt i drink.
i swear to god her finding her clit was like looking for a sock in a dryer full of beach towels
you tried to arm wrestle for the title of "mom's favorite son"
I'm making a conscious effort to limit my spending at the bars...i wrote "FOR CAB ONLY" on a $20 last night
We convinced you to take a shot out of the sponge...there were still suds in it.
These bubbles make my penis feel like it is resting on clouds.
I ran into him drunk, barefoot, at rite aid and he said I looked "stunning." Yeah, Stunningly shitfaced haha
I don't care if we're married you can't just walk into the bedroom with a pizza box expecting to get laid
I'm proud of you for choosing to be an organ donor on your fake!!
Waffles and pussy, what else is there?
Tip: never mention Guy Fieri during sex
You can't die you're my only democrat family member
I vaguely remember ordering a water at some point last night. It's good to know drunk me can still be responsible.
Lets just say the phase, What a dick, has a whole new meaning at the urinals.
No one knows how to work that "I pulled a muscle in my leg" drunk swagger like you can
Randomize
