just tell him he has love handles, he'll die of insecurity
she doesn't hate you. She just thinks you need a personality adjustment, speech therapy and weight watchers.
What is the pluralization of human? I just got humen rejected, and I am going completely blank...
We just stood on the porch wondering how you managed to puke up a whole piece of bologna
i just realized that the oil change sticker on my windshield is a day before the last time i had sex. I've driven exactly 10500 miles since.
you need to get laid.. and an oil change.
Its a good thing the lights were off cuz Im pretty sure the look on my face when I touched his penis would have offended him
Dude before you bang that chick preheat the oven to 425 I wanna make a pizza for afties
I ended up staying at a police station for being a witness in a public masturbation case..NOW do you believe me that I've never had a good St. Patrick's Day?
i don't know. but im upstairs in the closet with a burger i found in their fridge
It started with jello shots. It ended with tears.
I am literally the only girl who can black out and wake up pantsless and STILL be 99% sure I didn't get any.
At a bar across from the city police station. I PROMISE I will do something great.
They live across the street from a school baseball field so they have porter potties across the street and let's just say that I'm grateful they exist
I'm sorry I tried to stab you. I just really wanted those mozerella sticks.
What am I supposed to say? "Hey remember last spring when I did an ergonomic assessment on your office, well here's an ergo for your dick."
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