im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
i just fell asleep at my computer and i woke up and in the google bar it said delicious foods to eat
I definitely ripped a mole off of her back in the process
I got into my dads silver toyota in the back seat to get picked up and 2 mins later I asked my dad when are we leaving, then an old mexican woman turned around. wrong toyota I'm guessing.
Handcuffed. To. Steering. Wheel. Fuck.
The key to alley sex is drunkeness.
Just saw a cougar do the walk of shame. She asked housekeeping where the fastest elevator was.
I wish the sun would stop judging me for being drunk while it's still shining.
Hey its me your friend who impressed the pharmacist by already knowing the generic version of plan b by name
I'm going through a really dark time right now
I don't want to hear it man. I just jerked it to a pic of my ex wife in a bikini. Buck up
Last thing I remember is ranting about hating pants. Woke up this morning pants less. Couldn't find them, decided to leave. Driving without pants is surprisingly liberating.
Oh my god I haven't had mozzarella sticks since I banged that Applebee's waiter
I emptied a Vyvance capsule into my coffee pot last night and set the auto start. Pretty sure I've been drinking meth all morning
I was literally so lonely last night that I stopped watching a video on porn hub and just read the comments
I guarantee you he will only fuck with old bitches from now on
Randomize
