no, he came in my armpit
You tied the party balloons to your nipple ring so that everyone would know you partied.
i just defriended some girl because according to her status she "doesn't give a fuck about shark week."
i wish that high-me and normal-me were two different ppl so that high-me could thank normal-me for setting out a feast before smoking
I wish that high-you wouldn't text me stupid shit at 3:30 in the morning
Apparently faking a threesome isn't as much fun as you'd think
Turns out getting tied up to two door handles and forced to repeatedly cum is actually a really good ab workout.
so... the fat chick just walked over, shook my hand, then introduced herself as "versatile". shoot me now.
Well be careful man. Be careful. Wear shoes in the house. Safety. Safety first, then teamwork.
It's the building I live in, they were lucky I was wearing clothes at all
There's someone howling in the parking lot. Haha.
He sent me nudes and then a text asking if I tried the new Cantina Bowl from Taco Bell. He sure does romance right, doesn't he?
please let it be arousing that I used numbers to figure out how well I'd give you head
I have 13 missed calls from when I slept outside on some rocks
I'm just going to assume my unresponsive booty calls are just preparing for the women's march tomorrow
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
Randomize
