i watch way too much csi for them to even pretend to be my friend.
I gave him a blowie and after he said he wanted to send a giftbasket to the girl we met through.
you started whispering 'the itsy bitsy spider' while you were putting your hands up my shorts.
Apparently tackling a bar stool and crashing to the floor while yelling for 6 shots of whiskey won't get you thrown out on St Pattys Day.
so I made out with a lobbyist last night. im officially a resident of D.C
OMG the post office opened my dildo! "we sincerely regret the damage to your package"
I just got released from jail. still in my kilt. bring pants damnit. they won't understand.
pants will make it better? really?
Drinks appeared in front of me. Who am I to deny destiny? And by destiny, I mean free drinks, which appear by magic.
We're listening to space jam. This can only be a good omen.
He asked me not to hook up with anyone else because it would hurt his feelings.. while his arm was around his pregnant girlfriend.
Too bad pet owners lack respect for my training in ancient Buddhist and holistic rehab therapies.
I'm not sure the Buddhist consider pot brownies holistic rehab therapy
I just puked in my courtyard and dripped toothpaste in my chest hair. You better be getting laid or this drunk is wasted.
Can you have a quarter life crisis another time? I'm trying to masterbate.
Okay first of all fuck you and everything you stand for because Taco Bell is amazing.
I swear I'm an adult. I say as I send my mom to go find me green lucky charms and lady gaga oreos
Randomize
