I puked in a mailbox on the way back from your house.
Change your flight to Denver. That's where my penis is.
That's the last time I try to be adventurous at a gas station
i dont know, i woke up and he was going down on me. i guess i can save his number
The investigator asked if we were sharing a pitcher of margaritas. I corrected him and explained that we each had our own.
Until then we have the self affirmation from retweets and nights alone with pizza..
My clothes are covered in blood and I feel like I drank a gallon of elephant cum...it's safe to say I'm hungover
Just got 20% off at the liquor store. How you ask? I asked if there was an "I got divorced today" discount.
Like I'm literally drinking whiskey and making a stocking for my cat right now. What. Goes. On.
You made me take a photo of you under the stairs at the bar. "Look I'm Harry Potter."
Thank you for helping a fellow gay friend today. You are sublime and deserve free tickets to the Ellen show
I had a glass of wine for breakfast. It's gonna be a rough week.
Well I didn't spend $7 on an Uber just to get limp dick
he said he couldn't believe he just lost his virginity and passed out. what have i done
She's chasing the cat around the house hitting it with a cardboard sword yelling "there can be only one!"
Randomize
