ii just google-imaged 'sad turtle' and maggie gyllenhaal only came up once. what is the world coming to?
i woke up next to the toilet with a chipped tooth, somebody elses shirt on, and a random guys id in my pocket
I think it's time we have the "weird fetish" talk.
I just wanna go home eat some pizza rolls, get warm and jerk off, and it's only 845. This shit was supposed to make me see unicorns. Not cry
you know its summer when you wake up on the toilet
Dude, the chicks a procotolgy intern. Don't cheat on her. She knows where it hurts the most.
Just spent the equivalent of my life savings in the liquor store. This is going to be a good weekend
He wore nothing but a Speedo and a tie to the party. It was great. Everyone was looking at him like "this kid's the best"
Oh yeah, found out i got it from my boyfriend's wife. Thanks though.
I think I might get 604 tattooed on my ass tonight...
You can't just snapchat me a picture of a pregnancy test and then not answer your phone
I'm drunk doing an ab workout. I can only hope I make it to bed tonight.
So I bought that bathing suit yesterday and got buyers remorse so I returned it today and then stole it. Win win.
did anyone ever come to your door asking about the blood on the floor?
I woke up on the damn lawn again...it's not even summer yet
Randomize
