Hey sorry for feelin' up your date. Sadly, this is a mass txt.
I would like to be the first to explain to you that if you've woken up with bruised knuckles this morning, it's because last night you tried climbing out of our car window and into the drive through window at maccas. The cashier chick freaked out and slammed the window on you and beat you around the head with her headset thingy.
Shittttttt.
Be not ashamed. It was youtube-worthy.
i think i want to fuck a midget just to see how difficult it would be
well the first picture of me in 2011 involves a viking helmet and chugging champagne. i like this year already.
Shit, I may have left some acid in your bathroom last night. Has he been in there lately.
I just want to have weird supply closet sex with him... and then I'll be all set. Fired, but all set.
I like the wholesome side of you
I'm so goddamned horny I could use all my pent up energy to tear a redwood out by its roots.
I'm bored enough im considering taking up his offer to turn me straight just to kill time until the lasagna is out of the oven
I think I ingested my vampire fangs last night.
I mean I puked all over three separate towns last night and I still think you're the one who should reevaluate their life.
I just text my one night stand Happy Easter on her way home...now would be a good time for the lord to smite me.
Decided to stop by the store on my walk of shame. I must really look like shit, a six year old girl just walked up to me and said "my mommy wanted me to tell you Jesus loves you." Thanks kid.
this weekend took five years off my life and what was left of my dignity
being broke is really keeping my alcoholism in check
She's like a cask of Amontillado. Very tempting if I was drunk, but sober, I know I'll get fucked over in the end.
Randomize
