I was in the bathroom and heard my brother scream "YOU FAIL!!!", and I swear to GOD, I thought my penis was yelling at me.
She was sitting there stuffing her face rubbing my back with a dorito cheese filled hand while eating something else with the other hand as I was crying.
You tried to get me to kick my booty call out at 3am by tempting me with a trip to ihop
Oh shit. There are penis maracas
Your panties and toothbrush are in your mailbox. just not ready to be with anyone serious. take care.
There are people taking shots out of a turtle shell.
I want to wear Christmas sweaters with you.
I'm hungover during 4th grade graduation practice. I AM THEIR FUTURE.
I didn't have cash to pay cover at the bar, so I traded the bouncer a Krispy Kreme doughnut i had in my purse
Hey, sorry for threatening to teabag your mom to death last night
He told me I had smoking hot areolas then he wins an executive of the year award. How does that even happen?
I'm just gonna ride this ego train to sex town
I still hate everything and everyone around me. Krampus taught me nothing.
There's a little game I've come up with since the mess of a party I had; it's called "tinsel or condom wrapper? (or: what's that on the floor?)"
Don't know where this pizza came from but i got breakfast in bed
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