apparently when i got back to tyler's i layed face down on the bed and yelled "don't hurt my asshole!"
I just queefed in yoga class and now the old man next to me is smiling at me.
he wouldnt have sex with me because his guild had a misson on world of warcraft.
There need to be more gay people on my afternoon soaps.
He cooked me dinner. I showed my appreciation by showing up shithoused and breaking a bottle of steak sauce on his floor.
I talked a bachelorette party out of a 4 person bucket of long islands, and drank it by myself. Please call me a taxi. The fat brides maid just grabbed my cock
Hey bring in backup. its going to take a lot more beer than we think to fill up the water bed...
Doing lines of coke with a $100 dollar bill off a 6in x 9in photo of your childhood self really tells you where you where you've gotten in life.
I just peed in a flower pot on the veranda while crying and holding a drink
I need you to do me a favor and hide my sword from me tonight. I'm planning on drinking my weight in vodka and I don't trust myself enough to not run through campus screaming "I AM SPARTA!" You'll be saving me a mugshot as well as saving some innocent girls from tears.
umm, I just masturbated to old Justin timberlake on MTV jams. in need of dick ASAP
I've discovered my ability to crush a man's ego is greater than my hate for beer.
he went down on me to a drake song and now i think i need a penicillin shot
I have a hook up buddy in Abiquiu. He lives next to a Chipotle; that's the only reason I see him.
when part of the plan includes getting high, i usually forget how the rest of the plan goes.
Randomize
