I just opened a bunch of old flavored condoms just to see what they tasted like.
1. my parents still have sex. 2. being a screamer runs in the family. 3. so much so that i can tell what number of orgasms she's on. 4.so looks like i'm stuck outside a while
3 girls crying in the bathroom at the bar. Its like a Christmas song
my dad just told me he found me on the kitchen floor saturday morning with a microwave dinner on top of me, fork still in hand. priceless
It's only 10 in the morning...josh is already on the way to the ER for trying to shotgun a beer with a sparklers sticking out of it on fire.
Yes I have a handle on life. A handle of Svedka.
It wasn't really sex. It was just rolling around, trying to make sure his dick didn't end up in my ass.
What the fuck is wrong with your family? Why do you have unfrosted pop tarts.
If you're staying here tonight, you need to promise me you won't make another bonfire in the lounge room. My girl is still pissed about that.
I sent her a picture of Richard Nixon and said "these are the only dick pics I send".
I found her outside drinking steak sauce out of the bottle.
I RAN OVER A NUN! I RAN OVER A FUCKING NUN! GOD WILL NEVER FORGIVE ME FOR MY SINS NOW!!!
There is a pool of ranch salad dressing in my purse...I know thats always been something you've wanted to try..so don't even act like you didn't do this.
While we were doing it he looked up at me and said "Does your husband fuck you this good?" Talk about a mood killer....
I remember is someone saying "I smell weed" and then having a room full of sober high school kids look at me.
Randomize
