Reason #82 that I need to get laid: my pubes are getting split ends.
I'm destined to be knocked up by a sailor
85% positive I just found a hair of a certain variety wayyy in the back of my mouth between two teeth while flossing.
just threw up on my speech test, so much for a great semester
Im drinking in homer but I guess Egan got arrestest on an "assault by water ballon" charge but tom actually threw the water balloon in question at the bartender.
You stole my camera, took a picture of yourself and said "that's beautiful, just as beautiful as our waitress".
Tell him to dress up like Shaggy and kidnap him then bring him to me. We can pretend. Imaagination.
He said he wanted to "superfuck" me
Does he wear a cape??
All I vaguely remember from last night is getting up on that nice mahogany table and debating about squirrel's rights
You think he will forgive me for the paper being a week late if I bring him a beer?
...it's a 9am class...
I can't find the remote or the Doritos. Someone call 911. S.O.S. I sent this in Braille.
Dude, she set my Tinder preference to men, set the radius to 100 miles, and used up all of my right swipes. I think she's mad.
We got caught fucking on the couch while I was in my Godzilla onesie.
I need your opinion, is it ACTUALLY sweet that a booty call offered to walk me home with an umbrella because it was raining, or is that just low standards?
i'm at work, alone, drinking a spiced chai & fireball hot toddy. holiday OT isn't that bad after all.
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