if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
you kept saying 'its nothing a six pack wont fix' as they loaded you into the ambulance.
I refuse to have another spring break doomed by pregnancy.
The pride tent is doing free lube tastings. There is also a mechanical bull.
she has an amazing ass but I need more beers to get past her horse face. It works out perfect becauseI can use her teeth as a bottle opener.
Um I think everyone drunk and there's some douche on violin.
Just had that moment when you realize the two drunk women shoving all their money down your clothes were your middle school teachers...
Sorry about all of the penis things that happened last night.
tell her i changed her phone's unlock password to be the length of my fully erect penis in centimeters. I'll be in my room for the next two hours.
He put a canoe in the lazy river at the water and started paddling away from security
Just figured out my hair is long enough to tie my wrists together. . .get over here NOW!
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
I'm not wearing pants, but I'm wearing a tiara.
She really wants to put my dick in her mouth, and to be honest I really don't want to put it there.
I just smoked weed out of a tomahawk, then chased an armadillo with said tomahawk, I love my life.
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