dude we were spooning naked in bed with her ass in my crotch. she sharted in her sleep all over my dick.
Anthony wouldn't know good sex if it sat on his face
I don't care how hungover you are were not listening to enya
fun fact of the day: the man setting up my checking account at my bank has thrown up on my front lawn.
all i know is that i listed him in my phone as 'vagina cookies.' that can only be a good thing.
This conversation has now reached a level of awkward that even a passerby streaking hobo couldn't break.
I'd feel bad about being drunk at the Christmas service, except for the fact that I've already had sex in this church, so this is just small change.
Sorry for all the texts. I got wasted and woke up at the foot of a staircase. From what I can gather, I fell down it.
In case you're wondering what I'm doing, I'll be banging an 18 year old this weekend. Repeatedly.
Hey, I found that piece of pizza you lost in my bed last night. Never again...
Today some guy at work told me I had the nicest hair he's ever seen and my response was "thanks I grew it myself". This is why I'm single.
Sometimes I get confused on who I really actually know and who's lives I just know everything about via internet. Its a fine line
Babe, I'm gunna be straight with you. When you act like a dick it makes me regret not fucking my manager last week.
Donated a pint of blood at 6 and pub crawl started at 7. Thank your lucky stars I'm still alive today.
Abby there's no shame in reading porn. It takes more work than watching I suppose
Randomize
