Drawing on your hand and calling it yenifer lopez doesn't count!
..and it was like all of a sudden I could hear the sounds my brain was making
I feel that the drunker I get, the drunker Facebook gets.
Bitch, it's 2 in the afternoon.
I gave him head in my cape. On the kitchen floor. Watching a show about bacon.
I seriously just caught my Pina colada from falling of a table perfectly facing up. I will now reward myself by finishing this one and then getting my 8th
Found my underwear in a solo cup. That about sums up this weekend.
You know what, don't say anything. You all made fun on me for saying I would fuck him junior year when he taught us algebra and six years later, HERE I AM.
I hopped in a random dudes car outside the strip club at 3pm on a Sunday and said "Follow that car!"
I don't know what happened. His phone, shirt, shoes, and the condom wrapper are here but he isn't. I don't even know how to get a hold of him right now
I can only rely on you and Taco Bell
I think my body knows it's dying and is just shutting down
I need you to ship me a penis cookie care package.
We had to push you home in an abandoned shopping trolley. You thought you were in a pirate boat and kept yelling "AVAST, ME HEARTIES".
the people in front of me have a grocery cart in their car... i missed college...
The strippers who live across the street set up a decently professional stage on their front balcony and a banner for a go fund me... I think we're gonna get a show.
Randomize
