I woke up 25 minutes ago and have been high for 20. Impressive?
we were having sex and the sweat made her make up run... seriously laid there and watched her face just melt into ugly.
I basically get to watch her life fall apart via tumblr updates
I met her tumbling down the stairs chugging Captain Morgan. I'm not sure why she has the better reputation either.
Like it was the Mama Mia of shit shows. That bad.
I'm unsure as to how you were able to snapchat me with your hands duck taped to beer, but I appreciated it nonetheless.
I'm going to fake an anxiety attack to get to the front of the line. Save me some brisket.
No one's ever called me intergalactic cocksucker, before.
What does it say about me that I feel completely charmed right now?
If he can't cook well I'm just gonna buy a RealDoll and twenty cats and live my own fucking life
... drunk me broke the coffee table?
STOP TALKING ABOUT YOURSELF IN THE THIRD PERSON. YOU DID THE THING.
There are no winners in a lube eating competition.
And I mean really who loses their phone in a tree
Update: He still has devil magic genitals.
I forgot a room to the key..so whenever you wake ip and read this...I'm sleeping inthe hallway..please find me
It was weird, it was like my heart got a boner. Is this being an adult?
Randomize
