Some broad at the bar just asked me how much money I make. I don't know whats worse, the question or the answer.
Apparently I called 911 everytime Sean Kingston told me to
I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
I had to go to the bank to confirm purchases made on 10/31/09 because they were signed as Lady Gaga
sellin beer in gallon jugs is both the best and worst idea ever. Im only gonna have one beer...but its gonna be 128 ounces.
Just when I thought this night couldn't get any worse, my dad sang and dedicated Sexual Healing to me at kareoke night.
I sent him a naked picture of me with the caption "I lost at beer pong, this was a dare. Hope your nights going as good as mine" I've never talked to him in my life, this is a strange way to start.
Who the fuck was that guy he kept pulling his dick out walking up to people trying to hand it to people and saying go ahead open the door like it was a door knob
Remember that time i gave you head on MY birthday and you made me stop so you could watch the rhino part in 300
But in defense of this shit summer we've had, I totally perfected my shotgunning skills. I have achieved my summer goal.
The Stanley Cup Final is killing me. I can't go to work drunk again.
It's times when I'm naked but also want to be platonically social that I miss you the most.
Its okay I found my bra. ...it was on your cat. I wont ask questions.
I don't have a cat..?
My new superpower is making fuckboys disappear!
Bending dicks and egos since 2002
Remember when I was real fucked up and said I would give up utensils and only use chopsticks for lent?...just got the reminder on my phone.
Randomize
