Please tell me I didn't pass out while we were having sex last night... and if so I am sooooo sorry.
Some bum walked up and watched me getting head last night for like 5 mins before I noticed him
My valentine's day: watching The Notebook, and porn, eating chocolate, and ice cream. All while jacking off.
Wow... you've managed to cover all of the sad girl stereotypes that exist.
She's allergic to latex.
Lucky bastard.
Then he took his girlfriend's fuzzy handcuffs and locked me to their bed. Key is in an unknown location. He's surprisingly idiotic, for being premed.
She thinks Jesus was an astronaut.
So I just went to 3 different stores because there is no way I can walk out of one store with this many reeses and still have my pride.
I had to help him get his zipper down in front of his dad so he could pee in the bushes. That Is what moonshine does to you.
Why is there a cash register on top of my car?
Great. I will show up in your office wearing only oven mitts later today.
He told me I have nice nipples. You can't just tell someone that and then leave the state!
Woke up this morning with a darth vader helmet and a bath robe on with my toenails shitly painted
wanna see your best friend chug a bottle of steak sauce?
please go to sleep
They say find what you're good at... Evidently that's showing up late for everything, drinking, and eating cheese for me.
You had a 45min conversation with the Ronald McDonald statue I have the video to prove it
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