a smallpox vaccine scar is like a lower back tattoo.
Raise your hand if you bought 2 annoying girls shots of water. CLOWNS.
Her "get-your-paper-done-early-blowjob" incentive is the thing that has successfully deterred my procrastination
You don't know the meaning of what the fuck until you wake up naked and alone in someone's bed staring at a dead squirrel on their dresser.
so literally, as soon as i tripped and fell and hit the floor the earthquake started. hows THAT for a self esteem boost?
Just so everyone's clear, it was already on fire when I got there.
I'm in a bed full of sand, and also just took my contacts out. Whatever happened yesterday was great, I think.
Alright, deal. Settling two drug deals before noon is what I call a productive day. I'm not even gonna go to math, I've practiced enough numbers for the day.
I can't come tonight. Someone took a shit in the dressing room. A.) Clean it up or B.) Kill myself. Text back with your answer.
Going to a professional golf course at 2am to throw the flag poles like javelins
Do u feel more socially accepted since someone else made up their girlfriend too?
I'm sorry I didn't respond. I had a shit day. However, I just masturbated to Adele's Rolling In the Deep while crying. It was oddly therapeutic.
And after peeing my pants waiting outside for him, i proceeded to drop down and roll in the nearest puddle to pretend like i just ate shit when he arrived
do me a favor, I need this weekend off so can you work your magic and blow my boss again?
I kid you not. He let me in into his house, showed me the putt putt in his backyard. Offered to play me.
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