Once again you get dinner and all I get is semen on my leg
YOU GOT KICKED OUT OF FIVE GUYS LAST NIGHT FOR THROWING PEANUTS AT THE PEOPLE WHO WORK THERE?!
correction: escorted out
So i just got guilted into doing a tequila shot by a group of guys chanting "USA!" at me.
Some old truck driver just made me smell his beard I hope tonight turns out better
New rule: gentleman callers are required to bring me gifts of beer when coming over to court you. Tell the monster jam dudes so they know.
You were walking around in your swim suit, an open robe, snow boots and a death grip on that handel of captain morgan.
It was relaxing until your penis crawled in my ear.
I am the kind of drunk to where i can still drive a golf cart
Haha, I gave you the rest of the cash I had on me and you bought 3 shots for yourself and beer for everybody except me FUCKFACE.
Its mothers day, andI woke up with 12 bar stamps on my face, holding orange juice and a box of tampons. This can not be happening
i puked in the 2nd best shower and the couple fucking in the 1st didnt even pause so you might wanna hold off on that for a while
One public bathroom does not equal a wedding vow
Science requires me to take a picture of your nipples.
Try to fuck my roomie AND steal my slippers: you are no longer my favorite cousin.
apparently i ended up downloading "thats amore", giving him head, and singing it... all at the same time
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