Dude, you need to talk to your mom
wtf?
She just called and asked if i would be part of the intervention she's planning for you
I really want to sleep with her friend. I'm hoping our casual sex relationship will somehow lead to that.
It's like the Sean Connery of vaginas. You don't mess with it.
i woke up with a grocery list signed by "the people who ate all your shit while you were passed out"
Okay, thats embarrasing even by my standards and I've thrown up while wearing a viking hat. just a viking hat.
He looked down at his phone and screamed "I'M NOT A DAD!" and then bought the entire bar a round
I don't want a mention or even a whisper of a Shakespeare Festival by that or any other name including, but not limited to, a fucking Renaissance Fair. Are we clear? It will be a DEALBREAKER .
Your exhaustion is probably due to your rampant sexual urges and the fact that you live the same life as a raccoon.
Just got tinder matched with my COMM TA. Game on.
Would you go as one half of Harry and Lloyd in Tuxes to Aaron's wedding?
this whole "benign brain tumor" is truly a blessing in disguise. I almost want to start bringing MRIs to the bar because sympathy pussy is flowing like the nile
The pee I just pissed was about 7% better than the one at your house. But both are pretty far up there.
We fucked to Bonnie Tyler in my car. He's the one.
I discovered moonshine and fell in love.
You waddled all the way home with your shoes in a construction cone. I'm glad to call you my Bestfriend.
Randomize
