you threw up in the oven last night. i found that out after i preheated it to cook a pizza.
I just heard a girl in all seriousness say, "I told him I'm not a stalker. I just really really want to talk to him."
he took his pants off right in front of me then just stood there so i went for his boxers and he said he was waiting till marriage
Too tired to do the dishes so I made mac and cheese in a teapot. There's still some left if you want some...
We had a complete conversation while I was giving him head, at one point he even stopped me and said 'I love how we're just hanging out.'
My vagina has officially become a vortex for sexually confused frat guys.
You know when you can feel the alcohol in your toes? That's a great feeling.
Seriously can I go through one convo where masturbating doesn't come up
literally just tried sending to someone a video of me jerkin but my phone was connected to Apple TV and it literally just played on the tv in a full room and I'm actually about to shit myself
FUCK YOU AND YOUR WEAK ASS EYEBROWS
Today's hangover is probably top 3 of all time. Just threw up in an envelope. I'm on the ferry and didn't want to get out to puke over the side because I thought I might fall in the river.
You don't marry someone you don't want to fuck senseless this is 2014 dammit
Taking body shots off hot Camren. Get here now.
Happiness is laying in bed, topless, pouring 4 packs of hot sauce on your taco bell.
he had a cock ring. i orgasmed before he even put it in
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