There was a fist fight in my basement last night at four in the morning, in case you were wondering
Jake died.
WTF????????? That's how you tell me????
Oops typo. Jake cried.
Oh my god. Oh my god. Oh my god. I drunk emailed a professor on friday. Oh my god. Oh my god.
Bad idea. College students cannot afford both alcohol and a cat. Unless said cat is irish, and can feed itself with fifths of whisky.
His penis is literally smaller than my cell phone. I can't go out like that.
You texted me "Americans are sad" and "chicken coop disaster" without any further explanation.
I'm stranded in the Hampton area. Looks like I'm going to have to take one for the team and pass out by this applebees.
Every time you talk about your facial hair I immedately get horny
He sent me a dick pic from his living room and it has pictures of his three kids in the background
well I've taken an Uber to my weed dealers twice in the past 2 weeks so it's going well since I sold my car
Like do I send him a nude to ease his mind off his brother having a stroke? I'm not very good with words when it comes to consoling... I would be a terrible mother.
We were in bed, and he looked at me and asked if I'd be weirded out if he took his leg off. BEST.SEX.EVER.
My friend Julia's mom just called her to say she got a puzzle in the mail made of cheese and when she put it together it spelled FUCK YOU and she doesn't know who it's from.
let your parents know i'm sorry i ran around the house pretending their metal detector was a "booze detector"
I didn’t want a minivan, but I have to admit it’s made it a lot easier to hook up with the dilfs at soccer tournaments
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