i mistaked the back of her knee for her vagina
We had sex on the first date...do you think he thinks I'm a whore?
Yes and so do I
We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
I mean I like that it's warm enough to open the windows, but it annoys me that I can't walk around naked anymore.
i just uploaded pictures of my nephew, and you & d puking in the same toilet. i think i should keep them in the same album. show my nephew what he has to look forward to.
She just passive-aggressively stripped in the kitchen while humming the theme to Doug.
#1 RULE OF DRINKING: DELETE YOUR EX'S NUMBER FROM YOUR PHONE
he drunk texted me to give me his number with the message "i gotchu pretty eyeso" i can't tell if he's complimenting me or himself.
I NEED YOU TO TELL ME ITS OKAY TO BE THIS HIGH
Yes
O.K.
After you threw up you would repeatedly say "napkin" like a siren until somebody got you a fucking napkin.
Seriously, even though I keep it clean, I could douse it in bleach and set it on fire and still not be comfortable with you actually holding it. It's been in my VAGINA.
Why did you fed-x me a peanut butter sandwich?
It seemed like the thing to do. There's popcorn on it too.
STOP smoking sooo much weed. Damn
She had a glow in the dark pastie on her forehead the last time I saw her. That should help you find her.
A surplus of mistakes were made and I don't know what 89% of them were.
You're a disaster
Wanna date?
Randomize
