I wish my penis had an off switch
i think you shook his penis after he was done peeing.
what part of "i slept with our hot teacher" are you not excited about?!
the part where you beat me to him
fair enough.
Some guy stole lobsters by hiding them in his pants. We should strive to be like him.
The sales associate looked at me funny for wobbling in the heels i was trying on until i told her i was trying to see how well i'd be able to drunk walk in these tonight
I'm driving up the street and can't tell if my ears are actually about to pop or not.
A solid 8.5 on the baked meter, I need to stop.
In case you're wondering where my head is at right now, it's wishing that I was getting laid and not having a debate about cheese.
If you're still up for that roadtrip, I managed to end up in Louisiana and could use a ride home.
Much like Dre, I was forgotten about.
I just sent a bad sext to my sister. There's not even a way to damage control this, is there?
and then at some point during the night I ended up holding a baby
Why was a baby at a karaoke bar, and were you wasted?
only slightly. thats not the point. it was a cute baby.
Well someone is clearly not winning the parent of the year award here
All I remember is dance battling with a man named tom the entire time who kept buying me drinks so id say it was a success
Happy Halloween!! Last Halloween we spent together you got brought home in a shopping cart
I was at a hookups house and peed in his sink so I wouldn't wake up his mom... drunk me is on a different level
She climbed in my window blew me and left. She's in my phone as the blow job fairy
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