Dude, you really need to stop hitting on girls by telling them you sang a cappella in college.
I just sneezed and it tasted like taco bell.
Is it bad that I had sex with another guy on my boyfriend's bed while he's out of town?
Just flip the mattress, it erases all
Done and done
You kept asking who was the good cop and who was the bad cop, you said you only wanted to talk to the good one
Definitely just put my car on cruise control so I could stick my head out of the sunroof while driving to taco bell.
She thinks I come over for the sex, but I really come for the snacks.
i'll probably be on drugs forewarning
forewarning i'll probably have done those drugs with you
Just found a pack of birth control on the corner of Oakland and Thomas, so if your desperate its up for grabs.
I think I just gave my niece a weed pinata...
so i woke up at six am and his bathroom was flooded. i think i fucked shit up in my sleep.
I have never encountered a chode in the wild
As much as my throat was opened up this weekend, you'd think I wouldn't nearly choke on a damn almond.
I like to listen to classical music when I eat taco bell. I think it cancels out the aura of poverty and desperation.
If u could sum last night up in one word?
omgwtfpineapple
Just found a handle of Tito's in my TV stand
Can't recall when I put that there, but let's goooo
Randomize
