You said you wanted to go to louisiana and get arrested by Steven segal
i dont mean to point any fingers but there is a lot of urine in the kitchen
I just found a bottle of gin in my vegetable crisper. Party is back on.
Apparently, I woke him up at 4AM, and yelled "you're mad because we don't have sex," while grabbing his dick. Then immediately fell back asleep, dick in hand.
we're tailgating intramural basketball with hard drugs and tequila...and i think the players are taking shrooms
Sorry I didn't text you for coffee this morning...bad life decision Saturday sorta rolled into Monday...
LSHMSFOAIDMT = laughing so hard my sombrero falls off and I drop my taco.
I think she's perpetually drunk
It's all she knows
Bathroom attendant appreciated that hug I have him as a tip. Fucking BROKE these days.
I offered him midol and told him "it always helps my period so maybe it'll help yours"
You've opened Pandora's butthole my friend. There's no going back.
not sure what stings more, my ass or my pride...
At one point I believe I was despencing medical advice while wearing a sombrero and a hulk hand
QUICK FAX ME THE BALL
Not how faxing works at all btw
Don’t drink the Bloody Mary - it’s vodka and salsa.
Randomize
