Omg just saw this kid I went to elementary school with at the bar and he used to be cool and I was so awkward but now I have boobs so I WIN.
My entire life is one complicated drinking game
They should make a Rosetta Stone that allows men to understand what the fuck women are actually trying to say.
she's got a whisker from her dead cat taped to the wall. I'm pretty sure that about sums it up...
You were running around with scissors offering people free haircuts.
Tried to bribe the bartender with wedding cake. Felt bad for not giving her a tip.
I gurantee you I'll be the only one dressed as a giraffe.
I just reached for my seatbelt when I sat down to pee... Might be a little hungover.
Hardly remember what he looks like and the man has seen me passed out spread eagle. I begin this journey with such a disadvantage.
I need to beat up a magician now. BRB.
My parents are paying for my knee surgery for my birthday. What costume will look good on crutches for my Halloween Birthday?
Welcome to adulthood.
He told me that he's proud of our abnormalcy as a couple. I think it's the most romantic thing he's ever said.
When a guy asks for your ig but you already know his blood type, social security number, & mother's maiden name.
i bet he makes cat noises to excite himself.
the guy had "bad bitches only" tattooed above his penis...
Randomize
