I just found a frying pan...in my bed.
I wish life was like the Sims. Right when you're pregnant the music would play and I would just know instead of agonizing for the next two weeks.
I just single handedly caused ferngully by printing the wrong 900 page document
jacking off on stolen wireless... gotta enjoy the small things in life
i don't want you to think of me as your TA
I just smoked pot in front of my old Elementary School. It's like my Childhood and Adulthood are coming together in this awesome thing.
While I was banging her, her cell rang. She checked to see who it was, answered it, and moaned, "I'm dumping you."
Girl passed out in class and vomited. Another victim of syllabus week
He said, "cum on daddy's dick!" ... I pictured my dad. That just scarred me for life.
Get the fuck back here. Your brother taped bottle rockets to the front of his scooter and is bombing around screaming, "Rest in peace, Goose!"
you were caressing the jar of pickles then you looked down and whispered to them "I want you inside me"
I lost my bra at his grandma's house so there's that.
My husband has seen you naked more times this week than me. I don't consider it a bad thing since you keep bringing the booze to our house. And because my tits are bigger.
Also, I just opened Google to find the lyrics to California Gurls. Karaoke night did us dirty.
Just asphyxiate me and toss my corpse in the Ocean. It'll be easier than whatever the next four or eight years will bring.
Randomize
