just hang any plant up and call it mistletoe.
we marched down beaver avenue with lit tiki torches humming the olympics opening song.
i wanna pet his head its so fluffy. were gonna open a petting zoo
Apparently I told his new girlfriend to stop swallowing because she's getting fat. Oh, and I yelled this across a large room
I will forever be haunted by the image of you hurrying to finish your Jimmy Johns sandwich in the Taco Bell drive thru so you could proceed to order $17 dollars worth of shitty Mexican food.
I've hit an all time low of asking baristas what would go good with marshmallow vodka. I think I might hire one to party with all of us. To make hangover drinks
Okay I can't even be mad, I'm in mid-plot to hook up with Michael Phelp's third cousin.
We ended up at an Asian frat. I made out with two Mexicans at the same time and I pulled a muscle in my leg from twerking too low. Diversity.
Listening to The Little Mermaid soundtrack should cure my drunkeness right?
I looked into this "it's just lunch" matchmaker thing and it was like 5 grand. If I'm gonna spend five grand I'll throw in another three and get new tits and find my own fucking husband.
Ah Christ I think I've reached the single life mentality 100%. I just inquired a photographer about a photo shoot with my dog.
a day off where I don’t get laid would be worthless
you'll kiss me after i give you a blowjob but you wont kiss me after I eat apple sauce? am I the only one who sees something wrong with this?
Omg worst high ever. I'm watching Parks and Rec, and all i can think about is how andy, leslie, and tom are my closest friends. Forever alone.
She's writing hockey erotica again.
Tell her to pick another team besides ours this time.
Randomize
