I just high-fived this girl after she swallowed.
All I remember was the chick screaming "don't hookup with him! His dick's the size of a cucumber"
There's a transgender game of twister in the basement...God doesnt want me to type this paper.
There is a full size piano in the middle of our road. Please tell me you had nothing to do with this.
Trick or treaters just rang our doorbell
Give them the moldy beer cans, we need to get rid of those
I get a nose bleed and my uncle is automatically giving me the "your doing lines off dashboards again aren't you" look
My mom just said she had more presents to wrap, so I should "smoke some weed & go back to bed"... She really is Santa Claus
My ex-fiancee UPS-ed me a sixer of tall boys, and a fifth of bourbon for christmas, from halfway across the country. What does this mean?
She mentions her boyfriend one more time, I'm taking her home and breaking that shit up.
I just spent 3 hours in the back of an unmarked police cruiser. Best. Date. Ever.
I think I found my saving grace in the form of a beard at the bar.
As she came, she moaned Roll Tide. I kid you not.
She slapped a big dramatic bandage on my arm and people started buying me drinks...I plan on wearing a full body cast tomorrow night.
"WHAT IS THIS LESBIAN MADNESS"
He's a waste of a perfectly good penis.
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